Now Picture This on an Eyeball

I've got this horrible mental picture...

A case reported in a recent issue of the journal Emergency Medicine Australia described the successful removal of a leech from an eyeball. A 66-year-old woman, gardening in her back yard in Sydney, had accidentally flicked some soil into her eye. By the time a surgeon could extract the leech, it had roughly tripled its body size by feeding on the eyeball's blood vessels.

You'll Live to Regret It, Archie...

I am truly upset about this!

After 68 years of waffling, Archie Andrews has made his choice. It’s the raven-haired heiress over the girl next door, Veronica Lodge over Betty Cooper.

Just eight days after Archie Comics announced that Archie would finally choose between his two high-school hotties, the word is out: Archie gets down on bended knee to present Veronica with his proposal and a ring while poor Betty looks on and wipes away a tear. Veronica replies to the proposal with a resounding “Yes!”

The Power of Being Blonde

The Latvian Blondes Association -- take a moment to contemplate the fact there is such a thing -- has decided to use the power of peroxide (OK, some of them may be real blonds) to fight Latvia's deepening recession. It will parade 2,000 of the ladies who reportedly have more fun through the streets of Riga, the capital city.

Motto of the event: Make the World a Brighter Place. AWWWW...

A Pint-Sized Pool Shark...

A New York toddler still in diapers has a growing reputation as a pool shark with a mean bank shot — even though he has to stand on a chair to reach the table.

Two-year-old Keith O'Dell Jr. from upstate New York has pool shooting videos posted on YouTube, has his own Web site (http://www.poolprodigy.com) and is the youngest member of the American Pool Association.

The son of pool-playing parents, the toddler recently traveled to Las Vegas to put on a demonstration for the APA, the governing body of amateur pool.

O'Dell started playing pool on a child-size table, but has since moved up to a regulation table.

His parents say his learning hasn't been limited to billiard games. Pool is also teaching him colors and how to count.

Now That's A Dog Lover

CHEYENNE, WY – A man said he saved his dog's life after sucking venom from a rattlesnake bite out of the animal's nose.

Bobby Jenkins said he began feeling ill after getting his dog, Tank, to a vet. He went to the hospital and received a dose of antivenin.

In all, Jenkins needed four vials of antivenin at a cost of $3,500 per vial.

Meanwhile, Jenkins said his dog's head swelled up to three times its normal size. Tank had been bitten after running under some equipment on the family ranch.

The dog also received antivenin and both Jenkins and his dog have recovered.

Wipe That Smile Off Your Face

Stopping driver's license fraud is no laughing matter: Four states are ordering people to wipe the grins off their faces in their license photos.

"Neutral facial expressions" are required at departments of motor vehicles (DMVs) in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia. That means you can't smile, or smile very much. Other states may follow.

Don't Stick That Gun Down Your Pants, Dufus

Uh, dude, you're going to want a holster for that...

No matter how cool it looks in the movies, when you stick a gun down the front of your pants, there is only one thing you can be aiming at, even if you don't mean to. A 27-year-old man in Germany -- trying to impress his friends -- is the latest example of this truth. He told police that someone else shot him ... there ... but that story fell apart when police noticed there was no hole outside his jeans, just inside.

“Either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself,” police said. Doc­tors were able to stitch the damaged area back up.

He Wins By a Whisker

This is some serious facial hair...

David Traver, 43, of Anchor­age, Alas­ka, won the 2009 World Beard and Mous­tache Champion­ships on his home court over the weekend. Traver won best in show for his 20.5­inch beard and also won the freestyle competition. For the contest, his beard was dyed multiple colors and woven to look like a snow­shoe.

The win, over 140 other contestants from around the world, earned him a gold pan and salmon fishing trip. He now plans to shave for charity, with a donation going to Covenant House. Afterward, he plans to grow a mustache.

An honest politician...

In a mayoral election in Croatia, a candidate campaigned on the promise that he would openly rip off residents at every opportunity. His slogan: "All for me -- nothing for you." He won in a landslide...

Sign you may be driving too fast...

By Jackie Papandrew

We are now deeply embroiled in the grilling season, and the gentle man who promised to love me for better or for worse has once again morphed into the General Patton of the barbecue set, a tyrant with tongs who must not be questioned. Grilling, after all, is a man’s job.

As everyone knows, only a Y guy – one of those brave bearers of the Y chromosome also known as men – can possibly tame the open flame.

After 20 years of marriage, I’ve come to expect this annual transformation. The man who won’t touch the stovetop in our kitchen for fear that it might infuse him with estrogen becomes overnight an expert on cooking in the great outdoors, where only testosterone is allowed to roam free. Woe to the woman who tries to tell him how to grill.

Even though I know this, I usually cannot resist the temptation at the beginning of each summer to rile my king of the crackling cut of meat at least a little bit. I usually do this by suggesting that he needs to clean his grill.

Due to an ever-thickening layer of black grunge encasing it, the grill is only recognizable as a grill because it smells like scorched underbrush and, in compliance with federal grilling law, it has the word “master” in its name. Still, my cleaning suggestion always seems to deeply annoy my husband.

“Woman, do not tell me how to manage my grill,” he grunts in true Patton fashion....(Read more here.)

© Jackie Papandrew, All Rights Reserved
Come visit me at www.jackiepapandrew.com.

Tractor Shooter Gets Grazed

This is a case of the tractor being smarter than the man shooting at it...

An Ohio man didn't like that a ditch along his property was being mowed. So he got his gun and fired five shots at the tractor doing the mowing in an effort to kill it. But bad things can happen when you start shooting at metal, and one of the bullets was deflected, came right back and grazed our tractor-shooting genius in the head. He's OK, except for a felony assault charge...

Cat missing? Call Roto Rooter

Plumber uses camera-equipped snake to find missing cat.

MARION, Ark. -- When Bubba the cat disappeared inside the home he shares with Cheryl and Phillip Albers, they knocked holes in walls looking for him, but he couldn't be found.

Bubba's meows could be heard through the night last Monday, Cheryl Albers said, after he vanished following a visit from an air-conditioner repairman.

Bubba normally hides high atop a kitchen cabinet when there is a stranger in the house that he doesn't want to meet, Albers said. He wasn't there, however, after the repairman left.

Taking their cue from where they thought the meowing was coming from, the Albers cut holes in the walls of their dining room, their hallway and their closet. Then, they cut through the floor boards in their attic and ripped out insulation - all to no avail.

The meows continued, but there was no sign of the cat making them.

Finally, on Thursday, the Albers called Roto Rooter.

"We're plumbers, not cat finders," Roto Rooter's Fred Simmons told Memphis, Tenn., television station WMC.

But using a camera-equipped metal snake to search between the walls, Simmons turned out to be a cat finder after all.

"We just run the camera down through it and seen two eyes," Simmons said.

Bubba had fallen into a hole in the wall at her favorite hiding place and got stuck in a narrow passageway between the cabinet and the wall. After putting one more hole in the hall closet, Bubba was set free.

"She's really good today," Albers said Friday. "She's eating and drinking and we're all happy again."

In typical cat style, Bubba snubbed the man who saved her life, but her owner couldn't be more grateful.

Simmons said Roto Rooter won't be charging the Albers for the hours spent looking for Bubba.

But Bubba's adventure won't be cheap - they still have to repair the damage they did to their home.

Now we know what's at the end of the rainbow

Sadly, it ain't a pot of gold...

Instead, the rainbow appears to be caught in traffic, like so many others, on a California highway.

Call to 911 results in clean bedroom...

As the mother of teenagers,I understand the need to call in reinforcements....

A 28-year-old man in Ohio lives in the basement of his parent's home and apparently keeps a very messy room. His dad gave him the old "as long as you're under my roof" spiel and told him to get it cleaned up. Mr. Messy responded by shaking his fist and throwing a plate of food across the kitchen table. Naturally, the next step was to call 911, which apparently caused Sloppy Sam to clean up his act. Your tax dollars at work...